Editors of the Scroll, Unite!

Chaos! Infighting! The tyrannical high-functioning Editorial Board of the has infiltrated the dissident Union of Associate Editors! Following the footsteps of Joseph Stalin’s politburo, they have rounded up rebel ringleaders Anna Guerrini ’25 and John Woo ’25 in what has become known as the Great Purge! Amid this commotion, I, dedicated journalist Eric Li ’24, who definitely had absolutely nothing to do with this political mess I promise, bring you this objective and uncensored frontline news report.

According to Guerrini, the fiasco began with the heartsickeningly horrendous heartwarmingly humane work conditions of the Associate Editors as perpetrated by the Editorial Board. “Our Editor-in-Chief, Kaitlyn Xia ’24, literally made me turn down my country music,” Guerrini recalled bitterly. “I am not paid enough for this!” These conditions, compounded with the outrageous assignment of “homework” by those oppressive oligarchs kind employers, prompted heroic treacherous whistleblower John Woo ’25 to send the email “A Push to Unionize Associate Editors’’ as an effort to unite and bargain with the overlords. Our fervor was further spurned by an insightful reply by me pointing out that since most of the associate editors are minors unable to consent, the was quite literally engaging in “child labor” and had violated the 13th Amendment which banned all “involuntary servitude.” As my email declared, “nobody, not even the mighty U.S. government, has the right to enlist us to work on demand against our will. Yet somehow this good-for-nothing school newspaper respectful news establishment is coercing us into servitude for its, frankly non-existent astoundingly influential, newspaper empire!”

As the revolutionary spirit grew and the Union attracted more and more members, Guerrini drafted the Union Manifesto, a call-to-arms list of grievances (on Google Docs) demanding for a limit on work hours, the right to play bad country music and due recognition for the hard work of associate editors. From every corner of the Kendall basement resounded the rallying warcry of rebellion against the iron grip of the Board. We were on the cusp of a revolution!

Yet, if we have learned anything from history, it is that revolutions never truly succeed. As it turned out, the Union recruitment email, asking editors to sign up for the Union via Google Forms, had been immediately leaked to certain members of the Board by a filthy snitch a loyal unnamed informer. From that point on, our fate was sealed. The Board had first dismissed the Union as a joke but then they learned of the Union Manifesto (Et tu, Anna?). Immediately, the two troublemakers Guerrini and Woo found themselves ushered into a private group chat by Managing Editor Justin Ahn ’24. They came out completely changed. “Justin was open-minded and gracious,” Guerrini fidgeted with the mike. “By the way, all of my responses are satire. I love the Scroll! They treat me so so SO well!”

Perhaps that merciless manipulator decorated negotiator did achieve mutual understanding with the Union. Perhaps he just coerced Guerrini and Woo into submission with his next-generation passive aggression world-renowned rhetoric. We will never know. Nobody was in the room where it happened. All we know is that the resistance is not over. As Guerrini concludes, “you can never end the fight for liberty!”